Innova Pain Clinic
Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
People have lots of varying ideas on surviving the zombies. Do you bunker down in a shelter or stay light and mobile? Head to Alaska or steal a boat and sail to an island? Live as a hermit or join a community of survivors?
We might disagree on some of the details on zombie survival but here are a few rules by which I live survive.
Always avoid windows. Windows allow the dead and the living to see you just as easily as you can see them. Try to remain hidden. The zombies may not figure out how to break through windows but you can bet the marauding band of humans will. And they will strip you of your supplies and leave you for (un)dead. Also, glass shatters! Shattered glass is a serious health risk. You do not want to be cut and have open wounds. More on that later.
Avoid making light. Zombies are more active at night. If you are sitting around a campfire, enjoying a BBQ’d snared rabbit, that fire-light will be attracting a whole lot more than just moths. You should build your fire in such a way as to limit the cast of illumination. Use natural backstops like rocks, cave entrance or build a brush-fence to block to the light. If you are indoors, and using candles always blacken the windows. Use foil, newspaper, paint, or anything opaque to seal the window from the light. Never light more candles than you absolutely need.
Wear a mask and goggles. Depending on the zombie scenario, you may need to keep zombie goo from getting in your mouth and eyes. Brad Pitt was pretty lucky when that zombie goo in his mouth didn’t turn him. But if he had any open sores in his mouth, his story would have ended tragically right in that stairwell. Wear goggles to protect your eyes. In close quarters combat, bodily fluids are splashing everywhere. A simple pair of dirt-bike goggles can save your life.
Dual coverage for face and eyes. Good idea.
Dirt-bike goggles allow for a wide field of vision and also have an air-permeable foam side-seal. Along with your goggles, a good mask will keep splattered goo from getting in your mouth. A bandanna tied around your neck might suffice until you can do better. But avoid a tight knot. You don’t want to get hung up and trapped if zombies grabbed the mask. Hook-n-Loop closures allow for a quick break-away. Even better than a bandanna is a balaclava. It can protect you skin as well as providing better orifice coverage.
Drive Slowly and Carefully. Zombies have limited land movement speeds. Hopefully, we will only have to deal with lumbering walkers and not the WW-Z type runners. Even if they end up as runners, we still don’t have to be too worried unless Usain Bolt becomes a zombie. As a chiropractor, I treat lots of car crash injuries. The two most common factors are excessive speed and reduced reaction time. You do not need to race around at top speed in your newly appropriated Dodge Avenger. Your get-away will come to a crashing halt at the next blind turn or hill-crest. Drive slowly and carefully. Don’t fiddle with the stereo (there are no stations broadcasting) and stop trying to get your phone to work. While driving, your job is to drive. You have only one job. Also consider that your gas mileage is better driving at 35 mph than it is 75 mph. Conservation of resources should always be in the back of your mind.
Selena needs to cover up with a sturdy jean-jacket or at least full sleeves.
Protect your skin. The zombie virus will turn you whether you are bitten or if zombie saliva drips into an open wound. You should do everything to protect your skin. It is not safe to wear skimpy clothes. If you get your arms cut while running through brush or crawling under a fence, you can set yourself up for a spatter-turn. Keep in mind that water might be a scarce resource for you and shaving might be too risky. If you cut yourself shaving, you just provided an avenue of infection. So its official, beards are in vogue during the zombie apoc. For daily protection, I recommend a leather motorcycle jacket. Zombies can’t bite through leather. If you aren’t in Sturgis and can’t pilfer a leather jacket, then a simple jean jacket will do.
Learn Some Skills. Before the apoc hits, you need to develop some skills. Can you build a small fire? Can you build fire without a match or lighter? Can you fish or set snares and traps? Can you grow foods? If not start learning now.
Be Physically Fit. You will probably do a lot of walking (and running) when the zombies attack. You need to be physically fit well in advance. Stress fractures and poor cardio-endurance will spell doom for you. Begin a light exercise program to strengthen your soft tissues then after about a month, gradually build up your exercise program.
Swinging axes to dispatch zombies can be demanding on your shoulder and if you are suffering from bursitis or other injuries, see your chiropractor and get it fixed.
Sciatica can force you to slow down and limp. In the zombie apocalypse, the slowest guy is the zombie-bait. Don’t be the slowest guy. Get your back fixed. Get your sciatica fixed. Our chiropractic office in St George appreciates the perils you will face when the zombies attack. We will help you manage your skeletal injuries now so you can properly train the big event.
For me the hardest part of the zombie apocalypse will be pretending I’m not excited.
Dr. Andrew White | St George Chiropractor